Tuesday, October 11, 2016



some unknown letters thier inisde analysed things in thier words

well i feel sometimes my parents are selfish they don't want me to get married ,yep this is my story where all parents what their child seen marrying but my parents never raised a question of my marriage never I'm 26 stepping into 27 but my dad never raised question about this .now I'm well settled with good job but they don't tell me now also they just say read further for the next better job what the fuck.

when i said i love someone and i want to get marry to him they just said yes you can they never excited about what i said to them its just like oh okay you liked someone he also liked you nice good what the fuck man so to justify my sentence and decision i just went with my dad to office to just drop him or just to talk about the things  for which i dint get the proper response .

after some days my dad said you people get married in resister office now i don't have money after sometime we can arrange a big ceremony for you marriage that time i just burst out of shock inside my mind though i dint show it outside but it always stayed in my heart ,y i agree their might not be money at that time but if i were in their situation or anybody else they would not be telling directly like that even gnya dad priya dad not richer then us die daily for their marriage just cry for their marriage not only their every Indian parents not only others even me i would also be trying for my kids marriage if they would have been of my age i definitely would have been worried of this thing so i really wonder what kind of parents do i have,not only my parents even my brother too he also doesn't worry about my marriage man he married two women but not thinking of my marriage at all what type of family i  have is it a type of selfish ?????

even when i was about to marry madhu everybody was not happy specially my dad ya of course my mom was dam happy but even my sis was not happy she was feeling little insecure ,

and sfter somedays when the relationship broke between me and madhu my great great mom dad thought that if the relation was made between madhu and sangeeta the marriage would have happened for the best what the fuck,i just broke down again at that time they just called me and said ask them(madhu family) if something can happen again between sangeeta and madhu i just got speechless in that matter ya i agree the thought just arrived was natural(and they dint gave me a little time also and they never thought of my healing not thought of my pains my depression) but saying directly like it was something kind of deal it is somewhat not acceptable by me she always even say to me that she want person not like she just want him what the fuck,i know even in future they don't hesitate to mention that that madhu was more suitable for her but in actual she is just a bitch this was known by every friend of her even mukesh and even nagendra that's why he left her ,i dont know why this happened the some thing that happened between me and madhu same happened between sangeeta and nagedra but the more bad happened with sangeeta because she just behaved like bitch and she is bitch.I'm sorry she loves me in some other way she just love me for reasons i don't know let it be i support her as much as i can i never wish bad for her after all they are my only family i don't have anyone else to say my people .

yes i can say that what had happened wit madhu just helped me to know the reality of relationships of family how own they might be the bitterness really exist

just thoughts

huh i m 26 now i feel every second i interact with people is just a war with my reaction and actual reaction i choose to react in front of the action,sometimes i feel just to cut out all people from my life and just enjoy myself,even sometimes i feel my family sometimes annoying but they are the most part of my life,because all these people make me to compare me wit all fake people
     now I'm in confusion whether to do wireless PSI or read for civil PSI or read for PDO exam
 i want to do big i think i should go for civil PSI because even PDO is limited but in civil i wont be having time for reading KAS or IAS i will have to do just my duty i wont get time i guess but if i continue my wireless job ill get a plenty of time to read for IAS i may get top with this but if i wont get success in IAS then my life will be lost in this wireless if i get civil at least i can enjoy my life with some power guruji please guide me

or something else is around my mind that if i continue to work in wireless i can enjoy my life in adventures like paragliding roaming around the world, exploring the world which will also be like romancing the life ,sometimes i feel helping people is like no use u can see mahatma gandhiji he enjoyed helping them even i can enjoy but if i find people will be cheap no matter how big things u can do for them example u can see in priyadarshini gnyaneshwari dad mom all behaved in such a cheap way sometimes u never imagined but u just ignored their all their mistakes and moved on .kanchan the so said my best friend was so big lessen to my life this lesson i get and i see in many relation or everywhere i see ,its just that u r always replaceable no matter how hard you try u are always replaceable and this replacement takes no time if you don't look good yep the big truth which always got proved is that the not good looking people get ignored or unnoticed by the people and rejection without reason .

when two sisters exist in a family there always exist a comparison between them no matter how close they are but parents never fail to compare if not publicly they will sure do it inn their mind and for sure keep it in their mind yep its obvious even i do comparison its un avoidable evil or necessary evil arise in our mind automatically  .but the fact is that these comparison hurt some people very badly i m one among those ya of course i managed to study better then her so its in balance now if we both go to our native place people see me with more humble view of image of that intelligent girl and enjoy that now i came to know what is called its just survival of the fittest,everyone has to fight for the survival its just a darwin theory,it do takes natural things and many others peace and some try to understand just like me

people say who love each other they tend to fight but i really don't understand,these small fights just show the reality of relationship what kind of understanding they have with each other i found this completely missing between gnya and me its just at zero level between her me ,i just fail to understand her completely ya when i had gone to her home she treated me like I'm her own sister no doubt in that but when she visited my room i just dint treat her well i felt bad for that bur for that kind of my treating to her had some strong reasons behind it its just a collection of all her past behavior
,i just want to feel her more then my sister but she just miss use it and misused it infinite times she took it for granted many times we just hate that everything i do whether bad or good will be having a justifiable reason but some of her reaction wont have explanation i find myself failed in getting why she behaved like that there are many people who does things like this, and i always thought of boycotting them completely, i blocked my friends many times ,this behavior of mine made my blocked list lengthier then the my friend list

Friday, October 7, 2016

seems one thing in actual its different

  jumbles of feelings, giving reasons to the cause happens because mind just want to give you reasons that the happened thing is happened by the others fault not yours so person just get struck on other faults and ignore the wrongs done by the peron himself,this can be very dangerous as it may lead to a growth of foolishness and not doing self assessment,

me really get upset when i found myself in this confusion,what happened is that some day i introduced that worthless meghnath to gnyaneshwari she just got mad on that boy even that boy who earlier brought a a quarrel between sisters was really a full time flirty he just start talkings to boy by simple flirt yes and that gnya got impressed she just needed someone not only her everyone just need someone to get flirted or to flirt or someone wabout whom they may have hope of getting liked as i know as my psychology she dint know any person who is working so she easily got impressed by him she totally behind him and this side this meghnath (i even dont remember his name correctly) was happy because he thought i got heart by his successfull attemp of impressing my friendhe was just happy about that and he doesn't cheat by hiding somethings he just started cheating her harassing her openly even she enjoy it who doesn't have any other options in spite of getting enjoyed in his open flirting not only this she alwya used to talk about his activities with me huhhh i used to get so much irritated by her attraction towards him i knew this is not the feelings she getting but instead its something else i can figure out

khaiiir there is no point ion finding reasons for everythimg happened if you find the reason also then trhere cant be done anything because heart feels it whatever may be the reason it just makes the heart feel which is the best feeling might be they are false but they seems true to person .and by the way what eart feels just makes person live in a hallucination or say some kind of effect of drug it produces ,well i can get that the whole concept of this society family relationships itself is some hallucination but man doesn't have any other plans to live he can enjoy in whatever way he goes whether it may be being in some nasha or drug world or just like monk but both seems equal no differences after all i fing there is no meaning to life at all its just tyimepass the thing which matters is only how much you enjoy in whatever the situation may be,i after thinking this much in depth sometimes even i fail to avoid beautiful things happen in life i just get attracted them

for me if you laugh is okay if you don't laugh that also okay nothing is better nothing is lesser ,but still feel normal life is good but there we have to get hurt infinite times we just have to forget the bad happened with us ignorance of people just have to forgive people and move with then this sentence is the complete mantra of healthy social life i really get hear very badly if someone ignore my talks ,i just hate waiting for the message that's why i don't have boyfriend yes of course there were some friendship that was going in this way but i just hated it because i get really curious about things that are related to me so my mind will be thinking all the time it wont be in rest not even for one secondary i just calculate relationships which is really not healthy for any relation its alwyas end up getting broke up with the relation just start calculation even at the beginning of the friendship itself,i can only make relations or commit to someone only when they are ready for committing with me 200% even if 0.1% they behaved strangely i start thinking i just start every possible ways using my psychology if i find it something wrong i just start taking reverse ghair that sit i never think of moving further if i dont have chance also i wont think of miving, i know this is just not really good for anything,may be its my ego or something selfrespect or something which epect more and if it is not met i just abandon it completely every person in my life i atleast once have boycotted them completely ya after they make some effort to get to me ill just reverse my decision,this thing happene d with all of my Friends,

 when gnya appreciates anything about that meghnathi just feel he doesn't deserve all the praise u are saying to me about him he just worthless but she doesnt agree it she is just mad about him when i say bad about him she just counter attack my sentence which i hate like hell many time i just insulted her only taking his topics just hate insulting her showing her that i dont care about her it hurts me more then she get hurt i feel guilty of hurting her and it makes me feel cheap about myself,so in total being in contact wit my friends often makes me feel cheap about me which i hate like anything else.

but in dealing with all of them i feel there is some problem with myself

i know i m better then gnya in behaving wit people in respecting people in enjoying life in every other part but she also good but at some point she suddenly get hiked i just hate that even she get angry on some unnecessary thing on his Father too and just say on his face without thinking in which manner she is advising or who are all there around the person she elling at this she did even to me not only one tome many times and every time she behaved like this i quarreled wit her she wont stand at quarrels but advising someone withnsuch a bad manner she doesn't feel it like quarreling but i feel it like world war in my heart just this is the problem between her and me

now when she just said about that meg i dont know whether i get angry on her because i hate him or because she likes me or because he talk wit her or because i hate that person i dont know what reason makes me get irritated when she tells about him just live life no use of getting deep if its hearting let it hurt what u can do by finding reasons behind it it just happened there is no use of finding the reasons happened behind accident it happened cant be reversed so just move on keeping in mind the faults happened in the past

these analysis of mine help me to recharge myself and keep the mind in stable